I’ve often blamed Los Angeles for my failed relationships. The excuses that I have made are that guys in L.A. are superficial, they only care about money, they are out for themselves, they are focused on their career, they live in their own little bubble and they are just plain emotionally unavailable. Yes, these are all excuses.
Recently I have come to realize that L.A. isn’t responsible for my failed relationships. Shocker! How could an entire city be responsible for some guy not calling me back after the seventh date? How could an entire city be responsible for someone simply not wanting a relationship at that point in their life? The men (or boys) I date are not responsible for the failed relationship either, but I alone am responsible for my failed relationships. I choose who I date and I choose who I let into my heart and I choose who I let govern my feelings and so do you.
You see, when we first start dating someone, if you are like me that is- there are signs that that person is not right for us, but we ignore those signs without even realizing it. In my case, I get so excited thinking about all of the possibilities of where our relationship could go, all the while, huge negative warning signs fly right past me- He mentions he doesn’t ever want kids? Oh well, he could change his mind. He talks about how his main focus in his life right now is work? Wow what a great guy, he is so disciplined and we will have a lot of money when we get married. He casually lets it slip he isn’t looking for anything serious? Well he must like me enough to keep me around so he probably will want something eventually. NO. NO. NO and NO.
Surprise! These relationships tend to not work out or ever be taken to the next level (trust me). When a relationship ends or a guy we are dating pulls the disappearing act, society (and our friends) tell us it is them, not us. We don’t need to change, the guy does because he obviously is emotionally unavailable and does not know what he wants and needs to get his shit together. We are told that the right guy will come along eventually, but that we have to kiss a bunch of frogs to get to that point. I don’t know about you, but I give guys chances and when things don’t work out, I think to myself ’What an asshole. He doesn’t know what he is missing out on. I am such a great catch. All men in L.A. are jerks!’ For the longest time, I never once thought anything was wrong with me. I immediately would pin the blame on the guy and the fact that he lives in L.A. and would move on to the next one a week later and the cycle would continue and I would be proven once again that men in L.A. are incapable of committing to anyone but themselves.
I now know that if I was living in New York, I would probably claim that all men in New York are jerks. If I lived in Chicago, I would probably claim that all men in Chicago are jerks. There comes a point in your life where you notice a negative pattern and the only constant is you.
The truth is, that a lot of guys I have dated have actually had their shit together. They knew exactly what they wanted (minus a handful). After dating for a while, they knew I was not the one for them and unlike me, they payed attention to the warning signs. When I told them that in the future, I want kids and they don’t, they made a note of that. When they told me they weren’t looking for something serious and I said I am open to something serious, they took a note. They looked at the warning signs that maybe we weren’t a right fit for each other and they ended things. How men end things is a whole different blog post, but the point is, they took some sort of initiative based on what they wanted and didn’t want rather than just trying to make it work because they kind of liked me.
So now that I’ve figured out what my problem is, all I need to do is be aware of these warning signs while dating. Simple enough right? NOT. Habits are extremely hard to break and they can’t be changed in one day. I have about 10 years of bad dating habits to change and I am freaking out. Due to this, I’ve decided to go on a 6 month hiatus from boys, dating, texting, flirting (flirting on Facebook doesn’t count right?) or any sort of non-friend male attention (besides Facebook). I’ve been doing this for about a month now, and I have to say it is so refreshing. Since I have no boys around to worry about, my mind is clear and I can really focus on why it is that I always need a guy around. I can also focus on what exactly it is that I want in a guy and what I am not willing to settle for. Most of all, i’m finding that it is ok to be alone. The lack of anxiety I feel in my life is amazing.
Now if only September 19th would hurry up and get here.
*Photo Courtesy of Intothegloss.com